>THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME
>
>Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides,
>there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
>car, or motorcycle, any place, any time.
>
>1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and
>plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose,
>upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry
>package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in
>concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from Le Mans -
>winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it by the yard. The only thing
>that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
>2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
>twister, round off bolt heads, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and
>wiggle-it-till-it-falls off
>tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool
>designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. If nothing else
>is
>available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
>the palm of your hand.
>3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
>alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm.
>Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea
>Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these
>sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if
>you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
>4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under
>the bike looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve
>when you knocked both off the seat, it's because you eat
>butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil
>replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers
>afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether
>or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator
>lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the
>Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
>5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
>battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on
>the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
>banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which
>a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
>6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses
>and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly
>slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can
>transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working
>model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a
>wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used bikes,
>subtract $ 100.00 for each zip tie under the tank.
>7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee:
>Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
>breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,
>particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the
>tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be
>removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break
>the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said
>- who cares? It's guaranteed.
>8. Baling Wire: Commonly known as BSA muffler brackets, baling wire
>holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's
>not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll
>never replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a
>sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with BSA, Triumph,
>and other single and vertical twins set.
>9. Bonking Stick: - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy
>ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do
>you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than
>medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
>force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature
>doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand
>up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends
>in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
>10.A Quarter and a Phone Booth:
>See #1 above
>
>Other Important Tools And Their Definitions
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
>as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
>we are trying to hit.
>
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
>cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
>containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
>
>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
>holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
>mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
>wheel.
>
>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
>and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
>future becomes.
>
>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
>objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
>brakedrum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
>WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
>socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal
>bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
>your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
>you were drying.
>
>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
>the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
>hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
>"Ouc...."
>
>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after
you
>have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
>firmly under the front fender.
>
>EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off
a
>hydraulic jack.
>
>TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
>PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
>floor jack.
>
>SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
>spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>
>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
>ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
>TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
>
>TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
>strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
>disconnect.
>
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
>inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
>the handle.
>
>BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from
>a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
>battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
>AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
>light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
>not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
>aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
>rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few
>hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
>light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
>the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>
>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power
>plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
>hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
>tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
>
>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
>you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.